I am shoulding myself into an update. I feel like i should write something because it has been so long. I have had so many things to write about, yet I haven’t had the time or inclination to do so.
I guess i have been pretty introspective about my sexual journey lately for a variety of reasons. Here are some updates, thoughts, conclusions, and observations i have made lately:
1. Our quad went to the Dirty Show in Detroit. It is the first sexually charged environment I have been to in a long time. It was okay, but caused me a little anxiety. It was more like a shock to the system—like jumping into cold water, because I haven’t been around open sexual environments in a long time.
1a. One thing that resonated with me while we were at the Dirty show is that I really like BDSM. As in it is simply a part of me. We saw some suspension acts of different sorts, and all the time we were observing the acts, it was like my kinky life flashed before my eyes. I recalled memories from being around 6 or 7, having fantasies that, while I could not articulate this back then, I would now classify as excitement about being submissive. I also recalled my utter fascination with love story dynamics like those between Dracula and Mina Harker or the Phantom and Christine, etc. Ones where the male is is completely infatuated with his love interest to the point of obsession and goes to great lengths to control her and the surrounding situation (kidnapping, murder, editing information to change her perception, etc.). Yes, it’s unhealthy, but there is a Dom element i see there that is very attractive to me, especially in a safe condition.
2. I finally wrote a sexual partner with whom my Dom and I would explore with, but we took a break from because we are taking a break from outside play in general. I feel like the communication was cathartic for both of us and made me feel great about our friendship. I feel like a stronger person for having explained some of my feelings to her, and taking the initiative to do so. I am not sure where things will go beyond where they are now, but I am glad to have a friend like her. That, above all, is paramount.
3. Today, I learned of an event that deals with sexual exploration and for the first time in a long time, I looked at it and actually thought something like this would be fun. Our quad is attending a swinger party later this month together—not to meet anyone, but to be together in a sexually charged environment. My husband and I were talking about it last night, and I told him I think he doesn’t realize how much I do *not* look forward to going to these things. Yes, I say I am interested in going, but interest in these specific cases is defined by me as testing waters, borders and coping with anxiety, *not* because I can’t wait to dress up and look at people and have people look at and touch me. When I say ‘yes, I would like to go to swinger event x’, my brain goes through a (now) quick and (in)tense survey of my feelings, potential reactions, how I feel about my partners, outside play, etc. I stop breathing for about 2 seconds, remind myself that there are borders and protections and clear communication in place, then I say ‘yes, I can deal with this (because I know it makes my partners genuinely happy to do so, and I can always leave if I am uncomfortable). This is weird for me to say because swing clubs used to be my haven. I used to shine there, with all the confidence in the world. But I feel like in the process of awakening to poly and admitting and growing within BDSM, the rose colored glasses have been removed and I see the swing world for what it is. I started to see it, and could thrive in it, because I recognized it for what it was, and fed off of the energy there, but now, the energy seems like empty emotional calories for me. I dunno, I say that now, but I haven’t gone to a swing event in a while. maybe I will lighten up. Or maybe I will learn to be comfortable with my lack of comfort? I just wish I didn’t get so god damned grumpy when contemplating it. It just automatically makes me pissy and grumpy to even think about going, which sucks because i used to have fun.
Mission this month: Try to genuinely have fun at this thing. I have 2 things making me hopeful: it’s an event I am doing with my quad, which sadly, because of schedules, etc., isn’t always an easy task, and the club owner (with whom I have become acquaintances—dare I say friends) told me they would love to have me come out and that it would be good to see me. I enjoy that I get a genuinely warm reception from them—it makes me feel better and more at ease, and like i can breathe.